2023-02-08 20:25:08
I recently subscribed to The New York Times and have been impressed by the quality of the paid content. I was particularly struck by a piece addressing the widespread issue of conflicts with family members. This article offers insightful perspectives on a universal challenge.Today, The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist answers a reader’s question about whether she is obligated to accept funds from a sibling she considers harmful.I Don’t Want My Sister’s Money. Is That Fair to My Toddler?My younger sister has not spoken to me since last Christmas, when I requested to stay in an ocean-view room in the house where our family planned to spend the holidays. I needed the room’s sitting area for pumping breast milk and feeding my 3-month-old. My sister preferred the ocean-view room, and even moved her and her partner’s things into the room for a few days before the rest of the family pressured her to leave and allow me space to pump in private. She punished us by yelling at us and by giving the family, including my infant daughter, the cold shoulder for the holiday. After that, my sister had a wedding in May, but she and her groom contracted Covid nine days before the welcome receptions were to begin. She didn’t understand why my husband and I declined to attend, and she declined to tell the rest of the guests she had Covid. (Others became sick after the event.) She has continued cold-shouldering me and my daughter, whose first birthday she ignored.Out of the blue, I received a text message from her that she and her husband want to fund an investment account for our daughter. We are not sure this seems wise to accept. Our daughter will be very well taken care of financially, even without these funds. I don’t want to accept funds from a couple who have proved emotionally abusive and tie my daughter to a potentially harmful relationship with them. Still, I wonder if declining funds on behalf of my 1-year-old is not fully my decision to make. Should I decline?From the Ethicist:Your sister’s behavior
, as you describe it, is churlish and wrongheaded. But what you call emotional abuse comes across like a pretty ordinary family row. Your younger sister might insist — who knows? — that she had dibs on that oceanfront room and that, in her opinion, the other bedroom had plenty of space for you to pump and nurse. Maybe she’ll report that she and her husband tested negative for Covid on Day 4 and their doctor gave them the all-clear. (The research still indicates people are most infectious just before and just after the onset of Covid symptoms.) Claims like these don’t contradict your account or put your sister in the right. The point is simply that quarreling siblings typically have different stories to tell.
Family disagreements like these don’t have to lead to permanent rifts, even if neither party ever admits to being wrong. And the natural way to interpret this text message is that, after a year of shunning you, she’s trying to re-establish a relationship. If you accept the offer with thanks, this
froideur may defrost. The real issue isn’t about whether to accept money for your daughter; it’s about whether you want to keep open the possibility of your having a relationship with your younger sister — and therefore of your daughter’s having one. As a parent, your job is to act in your child’s interests; as a person, you’ll want to be mindful of your own. Alienating your daughter from her aunt isn’t likely to advance either goal.
4.8K viewsBekzod Mirahmedov, 17:25
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